Jokes and Funnies...

[crafters_corner]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
The policeman fainted.

---

A Cheating husband decided to write this letter
to his wife. My Dear Wife, You will surely
understand that I have certain needs that you,
Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am
very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife, however, after reading this letter I hope
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18 years old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't
be upset, I shall be back before midnight".
When the man came home late that night he
found a reply of his letter on the dining room
table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter
and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
with Michael, one of my students, who is also
the assistant tennis coach. He is young,virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!

[Praktica]

Jamie and his lass were going for a quiet roam in the gloaming. They stopped for a cuddle, and Jamie said "Put yer hand under ma kilt". Janie said "No, no, I couldnae". Jamie asked again, so Janie put her hand up under his kilt, whipped it out and said "Och, Jamie, it's gruesome". "Aye", said Jamie, "And if you put yer hand back you'll find it's grew some more".

[crafters_corner]

"ok Jake," said the teacher, "I want you to make up a poem on the spot, and i want you to use the word pistol in it..thats pistol p-i-s-t-o-l."..Jake stood up proudly and said, "my father is a policeman, he wears a suit of blue, he has a set of handcuffs and he has a pistol too." he smiled, took a bow and then sat down.."very good Jake," smiled the teacher and then she looked around the room n noticed little Hori sitting in the corner picking his nose.."ok Hori," she said, "your turn." he stood up slowly, thought for a moment .. and then a big grin lit up his face.."k miss," he smiled, "my father's not a policeman, he has no suit of blue, he gets his dole at 9 oclock..and he's on the pis tol 2."

[crafters_corner]

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.
The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, ÔÇ£would anyone like to share the story from their homework?ÔÇØ
25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.
ÔÇ£Well,ÔÇØ starts the boy, ÔÇ£my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£And what was the moral of that story,ÔÇØ asked the teacher.
ÔÇ£DonÔÇÖt count your chickens before they hatch!ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Very good!ÔÇØ She responded, ÔÇ£who else would like to share their story?ÔÇØ
This time she called on a girl in the front of the room.
ÔÇ£We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,ÔÇØ said the girl. ÔÇ£One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£What was the moral there?ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£DonÔÇÖt put all your eggs in one basket!ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Excellent,ÔÇØ said the teacher. ÔÇ£We have time for one more story- who would like to share?ÔÇØ
This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. ÔÇ£Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnÔÇÖt go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.ÔÇØ
The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, ÔÇ£and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when sheÔÇÖs been drinking!ÔÇØ ???????

[crafters_corner]

One evening, after their honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that weÔÇÖre married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.
You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space.
And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.
I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment..."And whatÔÇÖs the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Bob replied, ÔÇ£I wasn't..."

[crafters_corner]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM PAK'N'SAVE ?
Yesterday I was at my local Pak'n'Save store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for Clyde and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm semi retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnÔÇÖt, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Pak'n'Save.

[harm_less]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar.

[namtak]

Food fort thought. Here's a biological fact. Humans are deuterstomes, which means that when they develop in the womb the anus develops before any other opening, which basically means that at one point you were nothing but an arsehole. Sadly some people never developed beyond this stage.

[harm_less]

Didgeridoo comedy. That's not something you hear every day.

[crafters_corner]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A KIWI GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Kiwi girl
He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher...

[crafters_corner]

I bought a new stick of deodorant yesterday.
The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[namtak]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
ÔÇ£With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the f@#k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[crafters_corner]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
ÔÇ£With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the f@#k would they want with a plasterer??!"

---

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
ÔÇ£With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the f@#k would they want with a plasterer??!"

haha, love it.

[crafters_corner]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago, and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year..namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo'! ! (I told him). 'It's been a year'!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot !!!!

[Me+Me]

An excellent collection - heres one from me:

Old man driving home late at night in his vintage car. Car putts out whilst going up hill. Old guy takes a few seconds to get his shit together, meanwhile car runs backward a few feet and bumps into a dirt bank and stops. Old guy goes to start car but it wont start. He gets out to see what the problem is and going to the back of the car sees the exhaust pipe has gouged into the little dirt bank a bit and seems full of dirt and appears to be strangling the car and probably the cause of it not starting.........So he goes and grabs the engine crank handle, (vintage car remember), he sticks the crank up the exhaust pipe and starts turning it to help clear the dirt out of the pipe. Just as he does this a Police car comes past. Two cops in the car seeing the man at the back of the car turning a crank handle in the exhaust pipe ! One says "Heres a live one Alfred" ! (You can guess what they were thinking).


And another:

Guy driving to work in Auckland in his ute. A cat runs out in front of him he hears a bump as he hits it. Looks in the mirror and see's a cat writhing in agony in the long grass on the roadside. Screeches to a halt, jumps out, grabs a shovel from the back of the ute and slams it down on the cat ONE, TWO, THREE to put it out of its misery. Gets back in the car, shakes his head sadly and drives on to work. An hour or so later the cops turn up at work. "Sir did you run over a cat on the way to work today?" .........."Ah yes officer". The man is wondering WTF the cops have to do with this......they say "Can we see your car please" , so he takes them to the car and there on the front bumper is a cat, dead, and stuck to the bumper. Man is now confused. The cops explain. It appears they got a call from a little old lady who was doing her gardening while her kitten was playing in the grass by the roadside. Apparently a man in a ute screeched to a halt beside her house and jumped out and killed her kitten with a shovel then jumped back into the car and drove off ! She got the number plate and called the cops to go get the cat murderer !

Now, just for some clarity I actually read this story which was reported in I think it was the Sunday News quite a few years ago - so it really did happen.

[namtak]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said ÔÇ£You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them"...........

---

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everyone else....my mate Derek is brilliant, he had a nasty accident and lost both feet and his voice! ..........does he make a song and dance about it? Does he f@#k!

[crafters_corner]

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Maori; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Maori; "Congrats
, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Maori; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Maori; "Congrats
. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Maori; "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Maori; "Congrats
, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Maori Doctors

[jackford]

   

[crafters_corner]

Why did I immediately think of Kermit the Frog

[jackford]

    Just like his father