Jokes and Funnies...

[namtak]

Is this what they call toilet humour?

---

IÔÇÖve started the new alcohol diet ItÔÇÖs f#@kinÔÇÖ great IÔÇÖve lost 3 days in the first week!!

---

Computers are Smart.
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in;
P...E...N...I...S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

---

How are politicians like diapers?
You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.

[crafters_corner]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:
The daughter said to her mother. "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied. "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied. "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said. "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?" ?

---

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

[Lilith7]

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of catÔÇÖs mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks 1. while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub catÔÇÖs throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spouseÔÇÖs forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbourÔÇÖs shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[crafters_corner]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Lilith7]

The churches & the squirrels


In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with them.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Methodist church tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church . Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[crafters_corner]

haha, love it.

Thanks for the laughs guys, and keep 'em coming.

[crafters_corner]

Want to know how the fight started?
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

[Lilith7]

Purple people eater
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mineÔÇÖs air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.
.
.
.
No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

[crafters_corner]

Purple people eater
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mineÔÇÖs air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.
.
.
.
No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

haha

[crafters_corner]

RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Auckland, and mine is in Thames ..
3.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8.She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ' Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13.The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

[Lilith7]

Below is allegedly a job application that a 75-year-old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - and they hired him because he was so honest and funny:
NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING Up TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aquarius

[crafters_corner]

Funniest Quarantine Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didnÔÇÖt know how to socially distance properly.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, ÔÇ£Mine are so good at social distancing, they wonÔÇÖt even call me.ÔÇØ
WhoÔÇÖs idea was it to sing ÔÇ£Happy BirthdayÔÇØ while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, ÔÇ£Throw this and wherever it landsÔÇöthatÔÇÖs where IÔÇÖm taking you when this pandemic ends.ÔÇØ Turns out, weÔÇÖre spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My mom always told me I wouldnÔÇÖt accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! IÔÇÖm saving the world!
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasnÔÇÖt the reason.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.
I never thought the comment ÔÇ£I wouldnÔÇÖt touch them with a 6-foot poleÔÇØ would become a national policy, but here we are!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Since weÔÇÖre all in quarantine I guess weÔÇÖll be making only inside jokes from now on.
IÔÇÖm not talking to myself, IÔÇÖm having a parent-teacher conference.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog ÔÇö we laughed a lot.
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Read the room!
Knock-knock! Who is there? Seriously, donÔÇÖt touch my door and step back 6 feet.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ÔÇ£See? This is why I chew the furniture!ÔÇØ

If you bought 144 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before coronavirus.
How did the health experts lie? They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.
Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.
Did you hear about the guy speculating on hand sanitizer? He was rubbing his hands together.
I thought you had to wear a mask when entering businesses. They kept yelling at me to put on some pants.
IÔÇÖve gained so much weight during lockdown my bathroom scale is telling me that it can only weigh one person at a time

How do you socially distance while around family? A high-fiber diet.
WhatÔÇÖs the difference between COVID and politics? Politics doesnÔÇÖt end after two weeks.
How does COVID travel? The Batmobile.
What did one novel coronavirus say to the other? ÔÇ£Oh, the places youÔÇÖll see.ÔÇØ
WhatÔÇÖs the best part of teaching your children at home? You canÔÇÖt be fired for drinking on the job.
What did the single guy say to the single woman during lockdown? ÔÇ£If COVID doesnÔÇÖt take you out, can I?ÔÇØ
What do you call staging a beer in every room of the house? A pub crawl.
What do you call someone whose life didnÔÇÖt change after quarantine? An introvert.
Lockdown means you get to decide each day what outfit youÔÇÖll wear in your livingroom.

[joe 90]

Woman went to see her lawyer . Iwant a divorce she says . So on what grounds do you want a divorce asks the lawyer . NO no we live in an apartment dont have any grounds she says . Mm well do you have a grudge -- no we dont have a car ,, does your husband beat you up --- no im always first up in the morning . Well why do yo want a divorce ---- my husband doesnt understand me

Army wife asks lawyer to get her a divore . lawyer asks whats the problem -- my husband is only interested in sex & coffee --- mmm so how long is his furlough --- oh about 8 inches --- no no how long is he off for --- only long enough to make the coffee.

[crafters_corner]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, Celebrating St PatrickÔÇÖs Day.
Mike the bartender says ÔÇ£YouÔÇÖll not be drinking anymore tonight, PaddyÔÇØ.
Paddy replies, O.K. Mick, IÔÇÖll be on my way thenÔÇØ.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face.
ÔÇ£DamnÔÇØ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ÔÇ£Oh Bloody DamnÔÇØ
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door
And get some fresh air heÔÇÖll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame,
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk
And falls flat on his face.
Bi Jesus. Im in bloody trouble he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door.
Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and No Bloody Way..
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
I can make it to the bed.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says Damn it and falls into bed.
The next morning his wife, Jess comes into the room carrying
A cup of coffee and says,
ÔÇ£Get up Paddy, Did you have a bit to drink last night?ÔÇØ
Paddy saysI did Jess, I was bloody pissed.
But how did you know?ÔÇØ
Mike phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.

[Lilith7]

Since its that time of year...


The Fairy on the top of the Xmas tree

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the mince pies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking sherry all afternoon and were dead drunk. And to make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!" He continued, "I sent that stupid little Christmas fairy out hours ago to find a tree and she isn't back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Christmas fairy opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind her.
She said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of fairies on top of the Christmas tree got its start


The 12 days of Xmas, Frank Kelly (Father Jack)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQkF7fpw-wI

[Rumpelteazer]

A police officer called his station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

[crafters_corner]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[crafters_corner]

This lady got on the bus with her baby and started crying. she sat down at the back and a man said Why are you crying, she said the bus driver said my baby was ugly and I am going to give him a piece of my mind. The man said Good on you, Ill hold your monkey while youre doin it!!!

lol.

[Lilith7]

There was a small village on the edge of a wide prairie, next to a very thick forest that led up into the cold, dark mountains. In these mountains lived the dreaded Medicrin. The Medicrin would stalk down from the mountains in the dead of night, sneak into the village, and snatch a sleeping villager. He would take the poor soul away and eat him for breakfast. This happened every week so you can imagine the villagers became quite tired of it.

The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to hire the greatest hero around - Erik the Brave!
Erik rode into town on his trusty steed, entered the city hall, and listened to the story the villagers told of the monster that attacked at night each week. When they were finished, Erik told them he would have a plan in the morning and he went to his hotel room.

In his room, he consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and found the chapter about the Medicrin. He learned that Medicrins stink like rotten eggs. He learned they have 6 fingers with long claws. He learned they never brush their teeth. He learned they have very good noses. And he learned they love to eat human flesh, but even more, they love to eat Loons.
So, early the next morning, actually very, very early the next morning, Erik hunted high and low, near and far, to find a loon. He finally found one just before breakfast, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then told the villagers his plan.

He had them dig a pit that was 20 feet deep (because the Medicrin was 9 feet tall) and 10 feet around. While they were digging, Erik tied a big rock to the leg of the loon, so it could not fly away.
When the pit was finished, just about a half hour before sunset, Erik tossed in the rock, and of course the loon went in too. Then, he told the villagers to go to their homes while he waited for the Medicrin.
Erik jumped in the bushes and waited with his great broadsword with which to slay the Medicrin.
That night, the Medicrin snuck into the village . . .

It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .

But then it smelled DANGER, and it ran off. On the way out of the village, it grabbed one of the villagers for a snack.
Needless to say, the villagers were not happy. Some demanded their money back, others wanted to throw Erik into the pit.
After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned more about the Medicrin. He learned it wore the same underwear for 3 weeks in a row. He learned it could not sing at all, but enjoyed listening to opera music. But, most importantly, he learned that Medicrins love sugar more than anything else in the world, even turnip-spinach surprise!


So, Erik used some of the money the villagers had given him and rode his trusty steed to the next village, bought all the sugar he could carry and returned - this took two days because villages were far apart in those days.
The next day, he rode to a different village and bought their sugar. The next day, he went to yet another village. It had now been a week and the Medicrin was due to come again this night.
Erik gathered all this sugar and threw it into the pit. The loon, that was still stuck down in the pit, had not eaten in a week now and was extremely hungry. As fast as Erik could throw the sugar in the pit, the loon ate it up. It ate ALL the sugar!
Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came . . .
It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled sugar . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled DANGER and turned to run away.
But, that smell of sugar was just too overpowering.
It couldn't resist.

The Medicrin ran up and dove down into the pit.
And, it was trapped!
Brave Erik leaped from behind the bush, raised his sword, and jumped down onto the Medicrin, driving his sword into its neck, and slew it.

Which just goes to show: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down

[harm_less]