Wedding etiquette, what shall we do?

[TinkandTiff]

I need advice. Last Xmas we were told to keep a certain date free for a family wedding. This person is our nephew (my husbands side). So we did. Formal invites were duly received and rsvp'd to.  Fast forward to now. My son has come down from Auckland with his partner for Xmas and booked leave to allow them to go to their first cousins wedding. My daughter and her partner have booked time off work. We all received individual invites.    4 weeks ago, we all get a text saying we are now uninvited. Due to the Covid situation, so they do not have to show vaccine passports the numbers have been drastically cut. It would seem the brides mother and sister are anti vaxxers and neither are vaccinated. The wedding is to be held at my elderly mother in laws house - in garden. With the reception at a local venue. So, we are now not going. Do we still buy them a present????? I just want to add, we are extremely hurt by this. Our kids grew up with their cousins. We literally live a few streets away. My sil is officiating the wedding. M husband is going to set up a live steam camera in the garden for them. Then coming home. Thoughts please?

[crafters_corner]

Sadly, this is the downside of covid, and families being divided over it.

It is an odd situation, with your husband going to his Mums house where the wedding is going to be, and setting up the livestream, then having to leave it. I think I might feel quite put out by that as well.

About the present, I'm of the mind, that two wrongs don't make a right. If you didn't buy them a gift, then they might feel hurt about that, so it's then a lose-lose. I think that I'd have to buy them something still, just so that you feel like you've done the right thing. It is a gift that you are giving, to celebrate their marriage, and you are family still, no matter what.

What does your husband think about the gift giving??

[king1]

Yep, not much you can do about this, they obviously want the mother and sister there, so they are doing the right thing and abiding by the rules, you should probably be happy about that...

Personally I would just accept this but given there has been a cost to you and your family I would just buy them a modest present... maybe also send along a message to be read with a subtle dig , something like "love to have joined you in celebrating your special day, but we do understand it is more important that the brides unvaccinated family be allowed to attend."

[Oh_hunnihunni]

I feel for you. My daughter married in Perth, I got photos afterwards, not even an invite. I would not react hastily, andyes, if you want to send a gift and a card then go ahead, but do not mention your hurt or sadness. Congratulate them, it is their ceremony, not yours.

And yes, it is very hard.

I have learned the hard way, that while we have hopes and dreams of how it will be with us and our babies, the reality is often a very different thing. I have learned that my being sad and angry and so hurt at being left out ismy problem, not theirs. So these days I deliberately take the positive response, despite what my heart feels, and so far it is repairing damage done in the past by hurried responses and thoughtless reactions.

Kahil Gibran said our children are the arrows we send into the future. We cannot control their flight, we just hope we built them strong enough to fly.

(Hugs) from one who has been there, and good luck...

[crafters_corner]

OP, are you not vaccinated? Not trying to be personal, but I read your post again, and wondered why your husbands sister is going, but he's not (and you and your kids)

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So sad to hear that hunni. Our families can hurt us, like no one else can.

[Olive]

If I were in your shoes I would accept the changed situation, not buy a present, and be grateful for having a lucky escape from what is likely to be a tense event.

[Oh_hunnihunni]

Families can be dramas. I prefer to avoid dramas, no one wins.

[Lilith7]

That's a difficult situation OP. Difficult also for those getting married, I suspect.
I'd be inclined to still make the effort to get them a gift; you then should have no qualms about not having done the right thing as far as possible, & perhaps be relieved that you didn't attend.

[Oldfellah]

Nope no present and if they feel hurt by this just let them know how hurt you guys are having been uninvited, tell hubby not to set up the live stream, why should he? 
And you say the reception is to be held at a local venue, surely they wont be able to get in without being scanned?

[Rumpelteazer]

They are still your family and you still love them.

Give them a good present and wish them well. If you don't you will hurt your selves as much or more than you will hurt them.

It is disappointing and very sad that you cannot go, but by showing your love for them you will feel better for it and the sooner the wounds will heal.

If you want to blame someone.blame the VIRUS!.

[Oh_hunnihunni]

I agree. In the long run it is best to be able to know you did the right thing. The good thing.

[pamow69]

Why can't you still go to the wedding in the garden but not go to the reception? Many years ago I was invited to the wedding ceremony but told I couldn't come to the reception as they wanted to keep the numbers down.

[Zurdo]

Don't burn any bridges that will be hard to repair later, who knows what will happen down the track. This Covid thing is making people take sides that shouldn't be there.

[Lilith7]

I agree. In the long run it is best to be able to know you did the right thing. The good thing.

Yep, exactly; in the future, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you didn't give way to the temptation to be really petty about the situation, & its also very possible that some of those involved aren't all thrilled about this either.

[TinkandTiff]

Sadly, this is the downside of covid, and families being divided over it.

It is an odd situation, with your husband going to his Mums house where the wedding is going to be, and setting up the livestream, then having to leave it. I think I might feel quite put out by that as well.

About the present, I'm of the mind, that two wrongs don't make a right. If you didn't buy them a gift, then they might feel hurt about that, so it's then a lose-lose. I think that I'd have to buy them something still, just so that you feel like you've done the right thing. It is a gift that you are giving, to celebrate their marriage, and you are family still, no matter what.

What does your husband think about the gift giving??

I haven't discussed it with him. But this prompted me to look at the invite. It is a wishing well anyway, which makes sense as they already live together, and no doubt have plenty of everything.

---

Yep, not much you can do about this, they obviously want the mother and sister there, so they are doing the right thing and abiding by the rules, you should probably be happy about that... 

Personally I would just accept this but given there has been a cost to you and your family I would just buy them a modest present... maybe also send along a message to be read with a subtle dig , something like "love to have joined you in celebrating your special day, but we do understand it is more important that the brides unvaccinated family be allowed to attend."

Omg! Lol. Could never send a message like that! Classic.

---

OP, are you not vaccinated? Not trying to be personal, but I read your post again, and wondered why your husbands sister is going, but he's not (and you and your kids)

---

So sad to hear that hunni. Our families can hurt us, like no one else can.

Yes, I am fully vaccinated. We all are . My sister in law is going because she is taking the service - they can't get married without her. She doesn't even want to do it now, she told me.

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Nope no present and if they feel hurt by this just let them know how hurt you guys are having been uninvited, tell hubby not to set up the live stream, why should he? 
And you say the reception is to be held at a local venue, surely they wont be able to get in without being scanned?

 No need to scan if numbers are kept under a certain number, it is a local club hall.

---

Thanks all, for your opinions. Will discuss with husband, invite says they will have a Wishing Well. So that has thrown me.

[crafters_corner]

Sadly, this is the downside of covid, and families being divided over it.

It is an odd situation, with your husband going to his Mums house where the wedding is going to be, and setting up the livestream, then having to leave it. I think I might feel quite put out by that as well.

About the present, I'm of the mind, that two wrongs don't make a right. If you didn't buy them a gift, then they might feel hurt about that, so it's then a lose-lose. I think that I'd have to buy them something still, just so that you feel like you've done the right thing. It is a gift that you are giving, to celebrate their marriage, and you are family still, no matter what.

What does your husband think about the gift giving??

I haven't discussed it with him. But this prompted me to look at the invite. It is a wishing well anyway, which makes sense as they already live together, and no doubt have plenty of everything.

---

Yep, not much you can do about this, they obviously want the mother and sister there, so they are doing the right thing and abiding by the rules, you should probably be happy about that... 

Personally I would just accept this but given there has been a cost to you and your family I would just buy them a modest present... maybe also send along a message to be read with a subtle dig , something like "love to have joined you in celebrating your special day, but we do understand it is more important that the brides unvaccinated family be allowed to attend."

Omg! Lol. Could never send a message like that! Classic.

---

OP, are you not vaccinated? Not trying to be personal, but I read your post again, and wondered why your husbands sister is going, but he's not (and you and your kids)

---

So sad to hear that hunni. Our families can hurt us, like no one else can.

Yes, I am fully vaccinated. We all are . My sister in law is going because she is taking the service - they can't get married without her. She doesn't even want to do it now, she told me.

---

Nope no present and if they feel hurt by this just let them know how hurt you guys are having been uninvited, tell hubby not to set up the live stream, why should he? 
And you say the reception is to be held at a local venue, surely they wont be able to get in without being scanned?

 No need to scan if numbers are kept under a certain number, it is a local club hall.

---

Thanks all, for your opinions. Will discuss with husband, invite says they will have a Wishing Well. So that has thrown me.

Seeing as it is a wishing well, then I guess you could get away with not putting $$$ into it, so no one would know whether you have or not. In that case, just do what you feel is right for you and your family. Think about, how you might feel if you don't, and if you did, would you be annoyed about it, and regret it.

As they are a couple who are already living together, I'd probably only put $5.00 in the pot. Way less that you're spend on a present.

[Magenta69]

Perhaps consider your husband's time and effort in setting up the live stream as your gift.

[Oh_hunnihunni]

Perhaps consider your husband's time and effort in setting up the live stream as your gift.

This. Perfect!