Jokes and Funnies...

[crafters_corner]

There was a small village on the edge of a wide prairie, next to a very thick forest that led up into the cold, dark mountains. In these mountains lived the dreaded Medicrin. The Medicrin would stalk down from the mountains in the dead of night, sneak into the village, and snatch a sleeping villager. He would take the poor soul away and eat him for breakfast. This happened every week so you can imagine the villagers became quite tired of it.

The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to hire the greatest hero around - Erik the Brave!
Erik rode into town on his trusty steed, entered the city hall, and listened to the story the villagers told of the monster that attacked at night each week. When they were finished, Erik told them he would have a plan in the morning and he went to his hotel room.

In his room, he consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and found the chapter about the Medicrin. He learned that Medicrins stink like rotten eggs. He learned they have 6 fingers with long claws. He learned they never brush their teeth. He learned they have very good noses. And he learned they love to eat human flesh, but even more, they love to eat Loons.
So, early the next morning, actually very, very early the next morning, Erik hunted high and low, near and far, to find a loon. He finally found one just before breakfast, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then told the villagers his plan.

He had them dig a pit that was 20 feet deep (because the Medicrin was 9 feet tall) and 10 feet around. While they were digging, Erik tied a big rock to the leg of the loon, so it could not fly away.
When the pit was finished, just about a half hour before sunset, Erik tossed in the rock, and of course the loon went in too. Then, he told the villagers to go to their homes while he waited for the Medicrin.
Erik jumped in the bushes and waited with his great broadsword with which to slay the Medicrin.
That night, the Medicrin snuck into the village . . .

It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .

But then it smelled DANGER, and it ran off. On the way out of the village, it grabbed one of the villagers for a snack.
Needless to say, the villagers were not happy. Some demanded their money back, others wanted to throw Erik into the pit.
After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned more about the Medicrin. He learned it wore the same underwear for 3 weeks in a row. He learned it could not sing at all, but enjoyed listening to opera music. But, most importantly, he learned that Medicrins love sugar more than anything else in the world, even turnip-spinach surprise!


So, Erik used some of the money the villagers had given him and rode his trusty steed to the next village, bought all the sugar he could carry and returned - this took two days because villages were far apart in those days.
The next day, he rode to a different village and bought their sugar. The next day, he went to yet another village. It had now been a week and the Medicrin was due to come again this night.
Erik gathered all this sugar and threw it into the pit. The loon, that was still stuck down in the pit, had not eaten in a week now and was extremely hungry. As fast as Erik could throw the sugar in the pit, the loon ate it up. It ate ALL the sugar!
Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came . . .
It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled sugar . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled DANGER and turned to run away.
But, that smell of sugar was just too overpowering.
It couldn't resist.

The Medicrin ran up and dove down into the pit.
And, it was trapped!
Brave Erik leaped from behind the bush, raised his sword, and jumped down onto the Medicrin, driving his sword into its neck, and slew it.

Which just goes to show: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down

Oh shite, I read all that for THAT ending. I will never get that 10mins back again.

[Lilith7]

There was a small village on the edge of a wide prairie, next to a very thick forest that led up into the cold, dark mountains. In these mountains lived the dreaded Medicrin. The Medicrin would stalk down from the mountains in the dead of night, sneak into the village, and snatch a sleeping villager. He would take the poor soul away and eat him for breakfast. This happened every week so you can imagine the villagers became quite tired of it.

The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to hire the greatest hero around - Erik the Brave!
Erik rode into town on his trusty steed, entered the city hall, and listened to the story the villagers told of the monster that attacked at night each week. When they were finished, Erik told them he would have a plan in the morning and he went to his hotel room.

In his room, he consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and found the chapter about the Medicrin. He learned that Medicrins stink like rotten eggs. He learned they have 6 fingers with long claws. He learned they never brush their teeth. He learned they have very good noses. And he learned they love to eat human flesh, but even more, they love to eat Loons.
So, early the next morning, actually very, very early the next morning, Erik hunted high and low, near and far, to find a loon. He finally found one just before breakfast, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then told the villagers his plan.

He had them dig a pit that was 20 feet deep (because the Medicrin was 9 feet tall) and 10 feet around. While they were digging, Erik tied a big rock to the leg of the loon, so it could not fly away.
When the pit was finished, just about a half hour before sunset, Erik tossed in the rock, and of course the loon went in too. Then, he told the villagers to go to their homes while he waited for the Medicrin.
Erik jumped in the bushes and waited with his great broadsword with which to slay the Medicrin.
That night, the Medicrin snuck into the village . . .

It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .

But then it smelled DANGER, and it ran off. On the way out of the village, it grabbed one of the villagers for a snack.
Needless to say, the villagers were not happy. Some demanded their money back, others wanted to throw Erik into the pit.
After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned more about the Medicrin. He learned it wore the same underwear for 3 weeks in a row. He learned it could not sing at all, but enjoyed listening to opera music. But, most importantly, he learned that Medicrins love sugar more than anything else in the world, even turnip-spinach surprise!


So, Erik used some of the money the villagers had given him and rode his trusty steed to the next village, bought all the sugar he could carry and returned - this took two days because villages were far apart in those days.
The next day, he rode to a different village and bought their sugar. The next day, he went to yet another village. It had now been a week and the Medicrin was due to come again this night.
Erik gathered all this sugar and threw it into the pit. The loon, that was still stuck down in the pit, had not eaten in a week now and was extremely hungry. As fast as Erik could throw the sugar in the pit, the loon ate it up. It ate ALL the sugar!
Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came . . .
It smelled the loon . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled sugar . . .
It came closer to the pit . . .
It smelled DANGER and turned to run away.
But, that smell of sugar was just too overpowering.
It couldn't resist.

The Medicrin ran up and dove down into the pit.
And, it was trapped!
Brave Erik leaped from behind the bush, raised his sword, and jumped down onto the Medicrin, driving his sword into its neck, and slew it.

Which just goes to show: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down

Oh shite, I read all that for THAT ending. I will never get that 10mins back again.

[Lilith7]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wifeÔÇÖs car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.


She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
ÔÇ£What happened here?ÔÇÖÔÇØ
She again smiled and answered, ÔÇ£You know yesterday day when you came home from work and you asked me what in the world I do all day?ÔÇØ

ÔÇ£Yes,ÔÇØ was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ÔÇÿÔÇØWell, today I didnÔÇÖt do it.ÔÇØ

[Rumpelteazer]

   

"Show me your vaccine pass!"

[Lilith7]

Another long one - but worth it.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didnÔÇÖt have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadnÔÇÖt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ar*e.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, ar*e in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my ar*e while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadnÔÇÖt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasnÔÇÖt the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was, didn't improve my status so to sum it up, Veet removes hair, dignity & self respect.

[crafters_corner]

hahahahaha oh my lordie bee. I have tears running down my eyes, this is so funny.

---

The Cynical Philosopher ...

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble , but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy , but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them

---

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

[Oh_hunnihunni]

Just in case a certain tutu wearing occasionally AWOL welcome fairy missed it -

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/this-gra...Q.facebook

[crafters_corner]

Two men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "What do you mean, you can see perfectly? You're blind as a bat!" The second man says, "Think so? I can see perfectly. See that cat coming? I can see he has one eye." the first man says, "You are blind. That cat has two eyes, and he's not coming, he's going."

[Lilith7]

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

[crafters_corner]

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

haha, love it.
Love your sense of humour lilith.

---

Some for the kids on Christmas Day...

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.

What do you call SantaÔÇÖs little helpers?┬áSubordinate clauses.

Why donÔÇÖt you ever see Santa in the hospital? Because he has private elf care!

What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsil-itis!

What did Santa say to the smoker? Please donÔÇÖt smoke, itÔÇÖs bad for my elf!


What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!

What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky? It looks like rain, deer.

What do snowmen take when the sun gets too hot? A chill pill.

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

[Zurdo]

[crafters_corner]

I still haven't quite mastered adding a pic, and it seems, I'm not the only one.

[Lilith7]

I still haven't quite mastered adding a pic, and it seems, I'm not the only one.

Its always good to know I'm not the only technoklutz! 

[harm_less]

Danny's got some alterations to make.

[Lilith7]

Danny's got some alterations to make.

[crafters_corner]

A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her
husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so
worried, she called him on his mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember th
e jewelry store we
went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[Lilith7]

Excerpts from a Dogs Diary.
8:00am ÔÇô Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30am ÔÇô A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40am ÔÇô A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am ÔÇô Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm ÔÇô Lunch! My favourite thing!
1.00pm ÔÇô Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00pm ÔÇô Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00pm ÔÇô Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
7:00pm ÔÇô Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00pm ÔÇô Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00pm ÔÇô Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cats Daily Diary.
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash of some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ÔÇÿgood little hunterÔÇÖ I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to ÔÇÿallergiesÔÇÖ. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow ÔÇö but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released ÔÇô and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now

**

How to tell the difference between grizzly bears & brown bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, ÔÇ£Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£So how do we know if theyÔÇÖre grizzly bear droppings?ÔÇØ asks one of the ramblers.
ÔÇ£ItÔÇÖs easy,ÔÇØ replies the ranger. ÔÇ£TheyÔÇÖre full of small bells.ÔÇØ

**
Die, heretic

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, ÔÇ£DonÔÇÖt do it!ÔÇØ He said, ÔÇ£Nobody loves me.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£God loves you. Do you believe in God?ÔÇØ
He said, ÔÇ£Yes.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Are you a Christian or a Jew?ÔÇØ He said, ÔÇ£A Christian.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too!

Protestant or Catholic?ÔÇØ He said, ÔÇ£Protestant.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too! What franchise?ÔÇØ He said,
ÔÇ£Baptist.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?ÔÇØ
He said, ÔÇ£Northern Baptist.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?ÔÇØ

He said, ÔÇ£Northern Conservative Baptist.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?ÔÇØ

He said, ÔÇ£Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.ÔÇØ I said, ÔÇ£Me, too!ÔÇØ
Northern ConservativeÔÇáBaptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?ÔÇØ

He said, ÔÇ£Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.ÔÇØ

I said, ÔÇ£Die, heretic!ÔÇØ And I pushed him over.

[crafters_corner]

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
He said heÔÇÖd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed:
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said.
ÔÇ£IÔÇÖll be 18 tomorrow.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£I know.ÔÇØ Said the butcher with a smile.
ÔÇ£IÔÇÖve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat sheÔÇÖll get and watch the expression on her face.ÔÇØ
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said.
ÔÇ£Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the last 18 years and watch the expression on his face!

[crafters_corner]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. ÔÇ£IÔÇÖm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?ÔÇØ
She said: ÔÇ£Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£If you donÔÇÖt mind my asking,ÔÇØ he said: ÔÇ£What do you use it for?ÔÇØ ÔÇ£We use it when we make love,ÔÇØ she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback: ÔÇ£Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a childÔÇÖs bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since youÔÇÖve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?ÔÇØ
The woman said: ÔÇ£I donÔÇÖt mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.ÔÇØ

---

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Zurdo]