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+--- Thread: Jokes and Funnies... (/showthread.php?tid=599)
RE: Jokes and Funnies... - Lilith7 - 03-08-2022
A woman renewing her driver's licence was asked to state her occupation."Do you have a job or are you just a ----?" "Of course I have a job," she snapped. "I'm a Mum." "We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the official. One day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local Police station. The official was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What's your occupation?" she asked. What made me say it, I don't know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." She paused, pen frozen in mid-air I repeated the title slowly, emphasising the most significant words. Then my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire! "Might I ask," she said, "just what you do in your field?" 
 Cooly, without any trace of fluster in my voice I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing programme of research (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole family), and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
 There was an increasing note of respect in the woman's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. When I got home I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10, seven and three. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (a six-month-old baby), in the child development programme, testing out a new vocal pattern. Motherhood -- what a glorious career! Grandmothers are "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations", and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates." Aunts are "Associate Research Assistants".
**
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
 Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
RE: Jokes and Funnies... - Lilith7 - 23-08-2022
From the fringe, best jokes.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-62626292
Ten jokes made the 2022 shortlist:
1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham
2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons
3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel
4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather
5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars
6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel
7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford
8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine
9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker
10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan
RE: Jokes and Funnies... - Foal30 - 25-08-2022
Went through the cemetery yesterday, there was a guy sitting next to a grave
ÔÇ£MorningÔÇØ I said
ÔÇ£Nah, just taking a dumpÔÇØ he replied
Popped into the Penguin Arms for a Pint after work and this mad tart threw a Prawn Cocktail at me
ÔÇ£And thatÔÇÖs just for starters!ÔÇØ she yelled